Josh Files

There are as many ways to cook turkey as there are stars in the sky. This will cover the cooking of the whole bird (Turkey breast is a whole other critter). Also, these are all techniques I have done several times (unless I say otherwise) and they focus on tastiness and easiness. With some consideration to healthiness.

Roast turkey calls for two basic yes or no choices:

• Gravy?
• GBD? (Golden Brown and Delicious)

To some people these choices are obvious and it may be surprising that some people don’t like cracking turkey skin or delicious, delicious gravy. That being said I recommend trying  turkey the other ways some time.

Picking a turkey
Bigger turkeys are harder to cook and don’t taste as good. If you feel you need a huge turkey, cook two. Or, cook a turkey and a ham. Your best choice is to go to the butcher and order a turkey two months ago. Baring that go to the supermarket and get the unfrozen turkey that you can get for cheap this time of year. The differences in these birds is tiny, the butcher turkey will taste better. But will it taste $40 better? Maybe. Worth noting I am cooking a $26 turkey from “Trader Joe’s” this year.

By the way, your first surprise will be when your unfrozen turkey is actually frozen. This is normal. What unfrozen means is that the turkey has not been frozen below a certain temp yadda yadda yadda. They are full of crap. What is not full of crap is how long they have been sitting around. These turkeys are grown and slaughtered for thanksgiving. And time is money so they have been frozen at most a few months and that actually leads to tasty turkey.

Turkey Prep
You *can* brine the turkey. And some day when I have a giant kitchen with unlimited space I will regularly brine turkeys. Or I’ll have the maid do it. Of course the other problem with brining is that it ruins the (delicious)skin and it really does not contribute much. Yes, I think that brining is foisted on us by the kitchen industrial complex. Some kind of plot.

Defrost the turkey in the fridge or immersed in cold running water. That’s it. The night before your only consideration is to get the bird defrosted.

The day of you want to rub the turkey down with kosher salt. People will tell you to do lots of other things like coat the bird with flavored oil or inject it with brine or drag it a mile and a half behind your car on the highway. Resist those ideas. You are cooking a turkey that will be delicious, you don’t need to cover up the flavor with other stuff.

Pull out the stuff in the cavity, front and back. You will have organs, neck and possibly a bag of sauce. Throw the bag away.

Aromatics – They sell bundles of herbs to put in your turkey. The primary purpose of these herbs is to catch fire and set off the smoke alarm.

Bonus idea – You can stuff butter under the skin of your turkey. I’ll let that sink in. This will make the turkey better and it is a restaurant secret. I’m not going to lie to you, this makes they turkey better tasting. I can only imagine how many calories and saturated fats it adds.

Pan Prep
Do you have a turkey pan with a v rack? If not go get one. There is really no way around using the correct pan here. But the good news is that for turkeys the difference between the $40 pan v rack combo and the $250 pan v rack combo is non existent (for roast turkey).

Now the choices come up. GBD or SMD (Soggy Moist and Delicious) and gravy or vegetables.

If you want to cook veg in the pan put them in now. Onions, potatoes, leeks and parsnips are all good choices. They should be “dry” vegetables. (There is a cooking technique where you fill the pan with a liquid. I have done this many times and it works poorly for turkey.) cut up the organs and remove the meat from the neck and mix in with the vegetables.

If you want gravy, do nothing.

If you want SMD (or rather if you don’t want GBD turkey) place the turkey breast down into the pan. No rack. Either on the vegetables or on a square of parchment paper.

For GBD turkey, put the rack in and set the bird down in it. Put the organs and the neck in the pan. Now you open the turkey. Pull the wings away from the body, slice the skin between the legs and the breast and crack the hips outward. Now take a piece of heavy duty foil and make a “helmet” that fits over the breast.

Turkey goes in the center of the oven, turn once. Small turkys do not need to be flipped. Cooking time varies based on temperature, humidity, sunspots and cervical dilation. Cook at 350 degrees Fahrenheit until the internal temp is 160 degrees. Then 450 degrees (yes 450 degrees) until done. (18 lbs turkey takes 3 1/2 to 4 hours)

A GBD turkey is done when it is GBD. A SMD turkey is done when it is done. Just run it a few minutes, the turkey is done cooking you are just drying it up a little.

Please ask questions so I can clarify this cooking guide.